Hello there. Welcome to your Thursday edition of FOIAball.
For those of you who are new here, you may be tempted to unsubscribe immediately. I get that. I only ask that you read the next paragraph.
Yes, this site covers college football. But it’s way more than that. I write about surveillance tech and labor rights and the various oligarchic interests shaping our lives. I know it’s trite to say “sports are a microcosm of society,” but I do think it’s true. I’ve found it’s an excellent way to highlight problems in the world.
So stick around. You may not love football, but that’s okay. I think you’ll care about some of the stories I do.
I imagine that you are as annoyed as I am at our tech overlords’ fetish for inserting AI into everything. It’s intrusive. It’s ugly. More often than not, it unnecessarily overcomplicates extremely simple tasks.
Like Instagram search. I hate it. So much. I follow a lot of big cooking influencers. Sometimes I want to visit their profile to get a recipe. But when I do that now, I can’t just click on their page. I type their name into the search bar and am force-fed an AI-generated explanation of an account I already know and follow. I don’t need Molly Baz’s biography. I just want to make Spicy Icy Pasta!
It’s baffling. It’s stupid. It’s wasteful. I hate it so much. If you have a direct line to Adam Mosseri, lmk. I promise to send him a letter so filled with rage the FBI knocks on my door.
But, of course, AI is going to be shoehorned into everything online. It’s the internet.
Luckily, this fall, we have a great way to escape these digital prisons. It’s football season. We can go to football games. We can enjoy the crisp fall weather, the roar of the crowd, the forward pass, and for a few blissful hours forget that large language models are trying to destroy the things humanity holds dear.
Except that, in 2026, so much of the game day experience is riddled with AI. You may not see it, but it is everywhere.
Tailgating in the parking lot? AI systems are analyzing your belongings. Entering the game? AI scanners are assessing your pockets. Need to pee? You better bet stadiums now have AI-enabled cameras trained on the bathrooms to see how soon after kickoff fans need to do number one.
That’s right, man. I sound insane, but the AI is tracking your pee, man.
Let’s start outside. It’s game day. A crisp fall morning. You’ve got beers in the cooler. You’ve donated some ungodly sum to get a decent parking space on campus.
You unfold your table and light your charcoal chimney. You pull out one of those gimmicky spray guns to squirt Fireball into your buddy’s mouth. But before you can pull the trigger, BAM. You’re tackled by a cop.
That’s right, AI clocked you as a threat.
A couple years ago, the firm IntelliSee partnered with a Big Ten university to launch a new, entirely AI-powered surveillance network in and around its stadium.
You probably didn’t read about it. The school didn’t seem to announce it anywhere. I only found out by reading a case study on IntelliSee’s website. It hooked the stadium’s 127 existing cameras to an AI tool to monitor the stands and games.
The case study boasts that the new system saved the school $115,000 (which I guess is good) but replaced 18 people who used to be paid for their labor (which is bad).
IntelliSee didn’t reveal the school, but the company began at the University of Iowa. A press release accompanying the case study quotes Iowa's director of public safety. So I’m gonna guess it’s them.
The firm only offered one example of its detection system alerting officials, when it found someone with a firearm in a backpack on the stadium grounds.
I get that it’s hard to argue against safety. But the problem is these systems brag about how much better their AI-enhanced capabilities are compared to the old methods. And they make money off of public institutions that take their buzzwords at face value.
Like the shift from metal detectors to those little stanchions you now walk past to get into a stadium. You probably assumed those were smaller, more compact metal detectors. I did. Nope, they’re “intelligent,” “next-generation” AI scanners.
What does that mean? I have no clue! And neither do these companies. Because they’ve gotten in trouble for making up claims about AI.
Take Evolv. It says it uses an endlessly updating AI algorithm that processes data from its scanners to interpret whether you’ve got a hacky sack or a grenade in your pocket.
The system doesn’t come cheap. According to documents I obtained from multiple schools, it can cost around $500,000 a year to use.
But in November 2024, it was forced to offer refunds to K-12 schools that bought its product.
An FTC investigation found that Evolv “made misleading claims that its use of artificial intelligence makes its screening systems more accurate, efficient, and cost-effective than traditional metal detectors.”
Evolv struggled to catch knives while stopping students for water bottles and binders. It allegedly missed a cop’s gun but clocked a lunch box as dangerous.
Really. Great. Stuff.
What about inside the stadium? There surely can’t be AI there. You’ve settled into your seat. Kickoff is about to … kick off. But your buzz is fading. And you need to pee. It’s time to hit the head and get a brew.
Those were, just a few years back, things that happened without AI.
Not anymore, chump.
In 2023, Ohio State partnered with a firm called WaitTime. It places cameras throughout stadiums, at locations where people line up: entrances, concessions, and yes, bathrooms. They’ve got cameras watching you hop back and forth, clenching your pelvic muscles. Don’t worry, WaitTime says it anonymizes the footage.
The premise is that it makes the average fan’s experience better. By seeing where lines happen, stadiums can add more points of sale, or staff more people. Maybe a mobile beer cart next to a particularly busy concession stand. But you and I both know it’s not done for your convenience. It's about optimizing revenue. The faster people go through lines, the more they can sell.
Don’t like your craving for chicken tenders being turned into a data point? Too bad.
What I really hate about optimization B.S. like this, though, is how every tech dork spazzes out and builds a business when hit with the slightest bit of friction in their life. And thinks society is suddenly incapable of living without it. After using the system on its backend, last season Ohio State integrated WaitTime into its Buckeye mobile app. Fans can now see line lengths for bathrooms. They can look before they leak.
I’m sorry… what the hell? We need to become okay with inconvenience again. Enduring minor headaches without totally melting down is Humanity 101. And so many people are failing these days.
Reject ChatGPeePee. If a line this season is too long, walk around the concourse until you find a shorter one. Like we used to do way back in 2024.
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Ohio Stadium via Icon Sportswire/Contributor/Getty Images
