Head coaches' personal messages to Osama bin Laden

Howdy and hello! It is Wednesday, which means it’s time for a deep dive down an internet rabbit hole.

When I first started writing this column back in January, I envisioned it as a home mainly for updates, as I often get records back after publishing a story. 

But I quickly realized updates are hella boring and also for nerds. Plus, it’s not a great way to attract new subscribers. So I pivoted, diving deep into the online presences of college sports figures. 

Which is what we may call this column going forward: Deep Dives (with Sleuthy the Seal). We’re testing the name out.

But there are times when updates are actually interesting. Like when you get back records that reveal Brutus Buckeye has been dethroned from his place atop our mascot appearance rankings. 

And what a great time to talk about a deposed king! Because I also have some pictures I found of college coaches visiting Iraq, including one who parked his rear right down on Saddam Hussein’s throne while touring the despot’s palace.

If you thought you saw everything when I posted these photos online, you’d be wrong. Of course, I held some back. I also have pictures from the year before! And wouldn’t you like to know what a couple coaches wrote on bombs intended for Osama bin Laden?

I’ll be honest. When I run stories with records from lots of schools, I kind of hate presenting them as rankings. Given the varied responses and unique accounting, there’s no way to call the data definitive. I prefer to think of those stories as representative instead. Here’s what some big schools look like; here’s how some small schools operate. 

But MFers on the internet love lists. Plus, after obtaining responses from over 40 programs, I doubted anyone would top Brutus in mascot earnings. Ohio State has a massive, passionate alumni base, and the university is located in a major metropolis with plenty of events and opportunities.  

In the past month, I got totals from 11 other schools. The first ten didn’t come close. But this week, one well-known mascot blew Brutus away. I figured you’d want to know.

We also got our lowest total! Pistol Pete, of New Mexico State, received $26.66 in mileage reimbursement. That’s it, for a whole year. 

One state over, the Pistol Pete at UTEP made eight appearances for $1,050. 

In the middle tier, Boise State’s Buster Bronco came in at $11,202. Truman the Tiger of Missouri netted $13,250. Sir Henry at Rutgers earned $16,636, which included two appearances at restaurant openings. I hope they both had mob ties!

At UCLA, Joe and Josie Bruin raked in $45,200. Kansas’ Big Jay crashed our top ten, with $73,867 across 189 appearances, putting it just behind the Oregon Duck.

But on to our king. Your favorite mascot’s favorite mascot. This hard-working furry friend had over 550 appearances last year, 30 more than Brutus. They attended 35 weddings, making them the second-most popular nuptial guest. 

Brutus earned $130,028 over the year. This mascot made $176,760.