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Rules for (Oregon) duck
I have an issue with Valentine’s Day. Unlike most curmudgeonly males my age, it’s not what you think.
I really like celebrating it. I’m always excited to eat a decadent meal, polish off a whole bottle of wine, and say “I love you.”
I just don’t ever want to do that on a Monday or Tuesday in February. The holiday shouldn’t be fixed, but floating, the second Thursday of the month. That way, we don’t lose a weekend to it, but can still celebrate in full, knowing tomorrow’s Friday.
(This would work great for St. Patrick’s Day, too, imo.)
We don’t have that problem this year. Valentine’s Day is Saturday. And I have a fantastic idea for how to celebrate at home. Delicious yet inexpensive, decadent but simple.
The other thing I take issue with is fake friends. You can’t be real with me in person, then trash me behind my back.
If I could make you sign a piece of paper that guarantees you wouldn’t speak ill of me, I would. Maybe I did. Did you check FOIAball’s terms of service?
I did not. But those who want to be college football’s most famous mascot sign away their rights to be messy, start drama, or act a fool in the group chat.
The Oregon Cheer & Dance Code of Conduct, obtained by FOIAball, states that members of the group are responsible for “maintaining a harmonious relationship” with one another.
Ducks will not tolerate other Ducks who engage in “abusive, unfair, or unkind treatment of a fellow squad member.” You cannot, we repeat, cannot be starting shit. “Contributing to or causing dissension among members of the squad” is banned.
There will be, when you are one of the sport's most infamous mascots, no dishonesty. And there is to be absolutely no “gossiping about squad members.” Even if it’s true.
Why? Because that kind of behavior will “destroy the morale of the squad.”
That’s so serious! And that really makes me wonder what happened one tumultuous season that forced this all to be put into writing. If you know, [email protected].
The rules also include an extremely stringent dress code, one that shows how protective Nike is about its brand identity.
The university’s relationship with the apparel giant is well known. It foists gobs of experimental gear upon the athletic department. In return, student-athletes sign away their rights to rock Reeboks.
Members of the team are not allowed “to wear opposing brands while within Oregon Athletics facilities.”
The document even lists out specific offenders like “Adidas, Puma, Lululemon, New Balance, Under Armour, and Fabletics.”
Doing so earns you a strike, three of which merit punishment.
The discipline comes in stick and carrot form. If you earn three strikes during football season, you’re banned from the next home game. If you earn three strikes during basketball season, though, you’re forced to attend the next home game.
Even wearing unbranded pops of colors can get you in trouble. “Failure to wear 'Oregon' or neutral colors (black, grey, white) at all times within Oregon Athletics facilities” is also grounds for demerits.
So no showing up in pink or red on Valentine’s Day.
But you should show up for your significant other this weekend. Do it by making a duck breast. It feels like a splurge and seems involved, but it really isn’t. It’s cheaper than a steak of similar size. I think it’s tastier, too. Either way, it’s much more forgiving, delicious from practically rare to medium well, allaying any fear of screwing up.
Acquire a pound and a half. If poly, this recipe can easily be scaled up.
Your breast should have a healthy layer of fat on top. If it doesn’t, you bought chicken.
Sock it in the fridge, as we need it firm. An hour or so before cooking, remove and score the fat in a diagonal, crosshatch pattern. If you see flesh, you’ve gone too deep. The tighter you make your strokes, the fancier it will look, so aim for like a half-centimeter.
Salt the breast and let it come to room temperature.
Boil some fingerling potatoes in seriously salted water until they fall apart. Strain, place on a baking sheet, and use another baking sheet to smash them flat. Try to get them less than a half-inch thick for the optimal crust-to-flesh ratio.
Place the breast fat-side down in a cold skillet and turn the heat to medium-low. Watch as golden rivulets render out, swiftly filling your pan. There will be a lot, which is good. Use a ladle or glass measuring cup to remove a bunch and add to another skillet. You know where this is going.
Turn the heat up on the breast some to get its entire fat cap caramelized. It will help if you steer it around the rendered fat, lifting the meat and tilting the pan to let more seep under. Go as far as you can on this side. We’re doing 90% of the cooking here.
If your breast isn’t that thick, it may only need a minute on the other side. Thicker, a little more. Err on less, though, as duck is incredible medium rare. If you want to really impress your significant other, throw in a bundle of thyme and garlic after you flip and baste the skin with the perfumed fat.
At the same time, drop those potatoes into a ripping hot pan full of duck fat. Pull the breast and let it rest, dumping the fried aromatics on top. That always looks cool.
The potatoes should take about the same amount of time as the breast needs to rest. When crunchy and crispy, scoop and salt and put them on a plate. You know how serving dinner works. I hope. Slice the breast and arrange artfully beside it.
Uncork a bottle of wine and watch your partner swoon. For practically no effort, you’ve made a terrific Valentine’s Day dinner.
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Oregon Duck via Oregon Ducks
