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And if you pay today, you get to watch the absurd videos used to train alcohol enforcement staff at college football games.
Mr. I Just Want Two Beers
I got kicked out of a Virginia Tech game in September 2007 for drinking. Except I wasn’t drinking. And the police officer who escorted me to the exit agreed I wasn’t in the wrong.
The blame falls squarely on the rent-a-cop who, standing at the entrance to my section, pointed to me in the crowd and summoned the authorities.
It’s not something I’m still mad about, 19 years later. I just now happen to have quasi-subpoena power over every public university in the country. And I was curious. What authority do third-party security staff have at football games? Can they actually kick you out? Would their testimony hold weight in court?
So I asked for contracts with these firms. I’m sad to report there doesn’t appear to be any standardized rules of engagement or use of force doctrine for when Securitas descends on Lane Stadium.
That’s okay. I found something much more fun.
A lot of the contracts I obtained were for a firm called BEST, which handles stadium security at big schools like Texas A&M, Penn State, and Ohio State.
The firm’s executive summary notes its staff is trained on alcohol enforcement through the Techniques for Effective Alcohol Management Coalition.
TEAM, it says, “represents the most comprehensive thinking about alcohol management … a highly effective approach to prepare event day employees to manage alcohol at public gatherings.”
I had to see what that training looks like. But BEST is a private entity. TEAM is another independent firm. Meaning those documents wouldn’t be possessed by any school. So I did my second-favorite thing after filing FOIA requests: snooping online.
There, I found the PowerPoints and videos TEAM uses to train event staff on how to safely serve booze.
TEAM relies on the JIRC system, which analyzes a patron's judgment, inhibitions, reactions, and coordination. I don’t think they meant it, but the acronym does kinda sound like “jerk,” which seems apt. A lot of drunks are.
To analyze whether you are a JIRC, TEAM made video composites acting out the various types of boozehounds at sporting events. Trainees get quizzed on whether these guests should continue to be served.
Wanna see how you would do?
Now, before we snidely comment on all this, this is all in good fun. The organization does great work, because as much as I love drinking myself, alcohol is a scourge. Drunk people are awful. Everyone should consume booze responsibly (or not at all) and never be a pain to event staff (save for the intro to this post). We support the work TEAM does. And BEST for that matter.
Let’s start with the video for Tailgate. Before any game, there will be bros. And these bros might be here to party. Seated in chairs around a car, three dudes have before them: a bottle of Fireball, a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Three Olives vodka, a bottle of Jim Beam, a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, Budweisers, Bud Lights, Heinekens, Miller Lites, and a pony keg. Plus two bags of Utz potato chips.
Honestly, these guys rock. Except when staff approaches. Then they’re assholes. After being politely warned that they can’t have glass bottles in the parking lot and that the keg technically can’t be tapped, security politely suggests they pace themselves.
“Thanks,” one sassily replies, adding, “We know how to handle our liquor. We are going to drink as much as we want out there, and as much as we want in there.”
The proper solution in that situation? Calling the cops. FOIAball concurs. Don't let them in.
What happens when you are inside the stadium? Are you Mr. I Just Want Two Beers? Mr. I Just Want Two Beers just wants two beers. Unfortunately, he can’t have just two beers because he approaches the concession stand with one beer already in his hand. He can only legally be served one.
Chugging it doesn’t win him any favors, as the vendor holds her ground.
Mr. I Just Want Two Beers rapidly goes through several failed negotiating tactics before settling on a foolproof solution. Offering a $26 bribe.
(The correct answer, for those scoring at home, is do not take the bribe.)
Before you were 21, I absolutely know you, at some point, were Mr. I Just Want a Refill. Mr. I Just Want a Refill uses an empty cup to try to get more beer, hoping to evade being IDed. Why would he need to show proof he’s of age when he’s already been served?
I’ll just say, TEAM has been onto our teenage tactics for some time.
Mr. Cool Guy calls an old man “Pops” and butts in line, his arms draped around two women. He shows poor judgment (hollering at a stranger), lowered inhibitions (trying to order more than two beers), and poor coordination (being propped up by his lady friends). Cut his ass off.
But Mr. Hey Darling casually chugs his beer at the stand and smoothly flips a quarter while trying to flirt. While he gets dinged for quick consumption and (no joke, this is in the training) having an old man liver, he still gets to keep drinking.
Don’t worry, it’s not just all men here. There are vignettes for the ladies, too.
You may be Ms. Impossible To Please, who wants a hot dog and a full beer, complaining about how her previous drink wasn’t filled all the way to the top. She then accuses the server of spitting in her cup for no reason.
As you can guess, no more beer.
In the stands, there is Mr. Barely Upright. I certainly have been Barely Upright before (Caps-Islanders at Barclays in 2015 comes to mind). He rocks a polo shirt with stains on it and dumps half his Coors Light on the people in front of him while trying to order another beer.
Should he get another?
There’s so many more great archetypes: Mr. Do You Know Who I Am?, Mr. Trust Me, Ms. Indecisive, Mr. Slow Motion, Mr. Private Suite, Ms. More Than The Max, Mr. Cut-off Time, and Ms. Twitter Addict.
Ms. Twitter Addict is a real one, refusing to put down her phone while berating a server for not making her a double vodka soda with exactly three ice cubes.
TEAM also publishes videos that teach staff different strategies for how to deal with each one of these dopes, which FOIAball is choosing to withhold. We do not want to get dragged into court for publishing classified OpSec details.
That said, if a concession worker ever offers “a very special deal” if you’ll just hang tight, it means the cops are on the way.
Now, you may not know we have a comments section down here! I’d love to get it going. Let me know who you identify most with. And if you feel so inclined, the very fun details behind that choice.
Thank you for being (or becoming today!) a paid subscriber to FOIAball. I say this a lot, so I hope it isn’t starting to sound trite, but it really does mean the world to me.
We’ll see you next week.
Drunk fan via YouTube/TEAM Coalition
